5 things that helped me deal with the death of my sister after a brain haemorrhage

My sister wasn’t just my sister, she was my best friend. She was full of life, she was fun, she was adventurous. 

So when she experienced a brain haemorrhage, completely unexpectedly, my whole world was tipped upside down and all that was left was a gaping hole, a darkness that hung over my world like an eternal winter. 

The colourful innocence of life disappeared and what remained was an overarching feeling of darkness, “what’s the point in all of this?”

And that feeling is heavy and it can feel impossible to escape, whilst a narrative of guilt makes you not want to escape; “Why should I be happy? Why should I be able to move on with my life when Natalie couldn’t?”

And as difficult as that immediate period is after you lose someone you love to a brain haemorrhage it is possible to be happy again and move on with your life.

Here are 5 things that helped me deal with the death of my sister after a brain haemorrhage, that I hope can help you to.

1/ Talk through the experience 

I was brought up in a very British ‘stiff upper lip’ kind of environment, where stoicism was not only a reality it was celebrated. And, unfortunately, this is a very real reality for many people. 

We have created a culture where we nullify pain by distraction, by numbing, by busy-ness in order to avoid sitting in the discomfort. And grief is not comfortable. 

But the more we avoid it, the more it will simmer inside of us, limiting us in many ways, eventually at some point manifesting in ways that negatively impact our lives. 

As a culture, we are not only scared to talk through our own difficult experiences, but we are also scared to ask others of theirs for fear of having an awkward or upsetting conversation. 

But the reality is those conversations will be difficult, but they need to be had in order to move forward without the weight of grief pulling you down. When you talk through your pain you get an opportunity to process it and as you do you are able to put aside the heavy load and move forward with your own life.

Grief is a process that has no final destination, there is no timeline and there is certainly no right way to do it. But a great place to start is by talking about it.

If you don’t feel comfortable straight away talking to immediate family and/or friends try a therapist, a 3rd party who can help you process the trauma you have experienced. 

2/ Prioritise self care 

You have been through trauma, your body has been through trauma and it will be responding in such a way, look after it and really prioritise your self care. 

It doesn’t have to be complicated, start simply and focus on these 4 basics below:

Sleep: Your body needs to recover, to calm your Central Nervous System and sleep is your superpower to do this. Focus on getting minimum 8 hours of sleep, take a bath or shower before bed and avoid screen in the hour before you go to sleep.

Move your body: Exercise is a great way to release those feel good hormones and help you to sleep better.However that doesn’t always have to be hours of high intensity exercise, but mixing up a good sweat, with some outdoor walks and gentle yoga, will do great things for your mind.

Feed your body with the right food: What you put in your body can have a huge impact on your mental and emotional wellbeing during this time, so feed your body with nutritious foods and try to limit alcohol intake to help yourself as best as possible. 

Meditate: During this time your mind is probably all over the place and you are finding it difficult to concentrate. Introducing a daily habit such as meditation to give your mind some focus and peace might be a real game changer. It may well be hard to start, but the more you do the more you will get out of it, trust the process and the results will be worth it. I found it helpful to use an app and two great ones are headspace or calm.

3/ Finding something that gives you a sense of purpose 

In the immediate aftermath of losing a loved one everything can feel completely pointless. It can be hard to get out of bed in the morning or commit to anything. 

Try to find something that gives you a sense of purpose. In the beginning that might look like simply going to a yoga class or meeting a friend for lunch or overtime that could be starting a short course to expand one of your hobbies or organising a fundraising event in memory of them. 

4/ Connecting with others who had been through similar traumatic experiences.  

As much as it may feel like you are alone and no one around you truly understands your hurt and pain, you are not alone. Try to connect with others who have lived similar traumatic experiences, listen to how they dealt with things and lean on them when things get a bit too much. 

Utilising this network can be so empowering to help you through this period and to know that if they have got through it, so can you. 

5/ Carry them forward with you

Trying to move forward with your own life can trigger feelings of guilt, as if by allowing yourself to no longer be sad and grieving means you are forgetting them and leaving them behind. But let’s make one thing abundantly clear, this is not true. They would not want you to be unhappy, they would want you to live your life to the fullest. 

So carry them forward, live your life in honour of them, celebrate them, speak about them, and ensure that they are a part of the amazing happy life you go on to live, not without them, but because of them.

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We hope you found this article helpful. 

If you are happy to, we would love to hear more about your experience with brain haemorrhages whether you or someone you love has experienced one. This will help us create more relevant information and resources that will benefit individuals like you through this traumatic experience.

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